Realizing not all my dreams can come true.

[Zoom]

I guess this kind of ties into Saph's "Too old for teddy bears" thread.

Basically when I have time to kill I browse Kijiji in my area for cars, just to see what's out there. Even though that's ridiculous in, let me count, one, two, three, four, five ways. Most notably that I don't have any money - I mean I have basically no money and even the money I have is for tuition and rent. Plus, like, I don't need a car. At all. Everything I could conceivably need is within walking distance from my house.

But for some reason I do it anyway. And I almost regret it now. Because I found my dream car, exactly (well, it's blue instead of red, and it has fuzzy dice, but other than that. Exactly.) and even though it's priced at maybe less than half of what it's worth, I can't come close to affording it.

Here she is: www.kijiji.ca/v-classic-cars/city-of-halifax/car-for-sale/1032272073

Look. Look. No visible rust. Engine in good shape at least from the pic. A '76 which was literally the only year where they increased the compression ratio instead of reducing it from 1973 to 1980. It's even a stinking convertible. And a manual of course. I. Am. Dying.

But this got me thinking. I mean I'm looking at this listing every couple hours, just looking, you know, even though I know there's no conceivable way of getting it short of spending my last cent - not even, actually, because I have LESS THAN 4k in my account, so I'd have to, I dunno, sell my roommates or something - and it still somehow hasn't sunk in properly that it isn't going to happen.

I've thought about this phenomenon before. I don't know if it's our generation or just regular young people or what, but I've noticed most of the people I know have this sort of mentality that there is ALWAYS a way. There's always a trick up someone's sleeve that could be utilized, there's always a card to play, defeat never has to be admitted.

Except it does, you know? I guess this must be part of growing up.

And it's almost good, right, because I've already learned from this experience. Sure, I will never own this exact car, but over the years, others will show up (probably...). And it's inspiring me to work on art to sell over the coming semesters to put directly to a car fund. This defeat might just be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Just thought I'd share.

[sapphire]

I used to do that with horses. I've stopped actively looking at the ads, but I still dream about it. I wouldn't need a particularly nice or broke horse... I actually prefer them just shy of full trained. But even then, there's no way I could afford one. Maybe, maybe the cost of the horse itself, but not the stabling and feed and vet and farrier and all the other expenses that come with horse ownership.

I feel like the "anything is possible" mindset fades with age/maturity. It's still there, but if fades. I still feel it myself, honestly. With enough hard work and a little bit of luck, surely I could have a horse someday. But I've realized that it's not going to happen anytime soon. I'm going to have to be financially secure, which means having a really good job. And I'm going to have to live somewhere that owning a horse is possible. It's not going to happen in a big city, which means I have to choose - horse or city, both of which I love.

I think a big part of growing up is realizing exactly what you did, Zoom - that you can do it, but it's going to take time, and you have to be smart about it. Start saving now, think long-term for bigger dreams. Be willing to accept defeats in the pursuit of bigger victories.

(That car is gorgeous, though. Wow.)

[Zoom]

It sucks too because let's say you can afford a horse and all the stuff it needs when you're 45. But you're still working a lot and there's not a lot of time for trail rides at dawn, short of weekends and holidays, and those are always tied up with taking Scotty to band camp or whatever. So finally when you're 65 you've retired and your kids have moved out and you have all this time and you've got a prancy young mostly-broke horse but you're so tired and sore all the time, and going any faster than a walk jars your old bones.

I mean that's a cynical perspective - lots of ways to avoid that scenario - but I feel it's plausible. And like, I want that car when I'm still young and hot and razzle-dazzlin'.

And the horse/city thing - no way around that! Unless you get mega-rich and level a block in the downtown area and set up an estate with stables right there, haha.

I feel like only the mega-rich can do whatever they want, actually. I mean I've got my life planned about five years ahead, now. Finish school move to South Africa get a job there at some promising indie firm. So between now and then I've got about five summers of relative freedom to do all the shit I want to do. BUT I CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE I NEED TO STAY IN ONE PLACE TO MAKE MONEY. Kind of hard to spend the summer with a few friends driving from farm to farm doing work for room and board and good stories when you need to earn tuition money. Even if my productivity spiked and my understanding of the Etsy marketplace spiked and I made a bunch of work that people would buy, it's really unlikely I'd earn as much as I would just working in a tourist shop all summer. DAMMIT

[sapphire]

Right - when you can finally afford all that stuff that you really want now, you're no longer young and reckless enough to really appreciate it. (Or at least, that's how it feels when you're still in the "young and reckless" phase of life.) You kinda have to rely on your parents to buy that sort of thing for you, unless you work your tail off and give up everything else for that one thing. It all depends on what you're willing to sacrifice.
I had a dream a couple of nights ago - totally out of nowhere - that I'd been given this glorious, dark bay gelding that was just a little too high-strung for his own good. I was so thrilled, and we got along instantly, even though I had to whack him every few seconds to make him behave. And I was so melancholy when I woke up, because it didn't actually happen. (The night before that I had a dream that I was just about to get Robert Downey Jr's autograph - similar feeling of disappointment on waking.)

It's true - only the mega-rich can do whatever they want to do without sacrificing other desires. You're giving up that dream of travelling with friends in order to continue attending college. I'm giving up owning a horse in order to save up to move to the city. Some people just don't have to worry about that kind of thing. It's frustrating, and unfair, and sadly that's just life.

I'm curious, though - why South Africa? And what, ideally, would the indie firm do?

[Zoom]

Maaaan I know dreams like that. Also weird is dreams that take place in some perfectly-plausible reality, that just isn't this one. I had a dream the other night that I took a shower, had Christmas dinner with some friends, and went for a walk in the snow with my boyfriend. I don't recognize the flat. I don't have a boyfriend. It hasn't snowed here yet. So weird. Also I had short hair?

Just gonna say something here, and I know it probably sounds idealistic and naive and what have you, but I kinda feel like if you're literally dreaming about something, it's your dream and you should pursue it

Well, it sounds bad, but Cape Town apparently is really, really hipstery - coffee shops on every corner, that kind of thing - and, uh, it's easier to make art that'll appeal to hipsters than it is to make art that'll appeal to...I dunno, other people. Everyone else. That's true to myself. I mean I'll obviously still make art that means something to me, but it'll be easy to make a living by slapping a floaty bird on a loose tank top made out of bamboo fibre, or by making hand-printed cards featuring a galaxy, a triangle, and a deer skull. Hipsters define themselves by trends, and trends almost by definition are easy to notice and follow. Way easier than doing whatever shit I'm into at the moment and hoping other people respond to it.
So if I'm guessing correctly there'll be a lot of startup brands that need artists and designers. I'm also fairly adept at website design so there's that I can offer as well.

Also, and this really makes me cringe to say, but I remember a lot of people sort of mildly freaked out after the Kenyan mall shooting, like, wtf Kenya has malls?? So I figure, what with the internet marketplace being so important, if you're a hipster and you're browsing Etsy and you see two handmade screenprinted posters for the same price, and one is made in Ontario....and one is made in AFRICA, which one is gonna make your friends think you're cooler?

And then there's this personal dream thing of, like, it's silly and never going to happen, but I really want to fly light aircraft. Rich people. Like getting them from Johannesburg to, I dunno, their estate built into a mountain in a wildlife reserve. It's EXPENSIVE to get your PPL - like more than I'm paying for school - but man. I mean, driving cars is the only thing I really like, and unless I become a truck driver that's not gonna happen, so......planes? I'll see what happens.

Sorry to like blarp on you, it's just that I'm going back to school tomorrow and my stomach is like knotty from stress about my life.

[sapphire]

I usually have dreams that are firmly fantasy - dreams where I can fly, or have ice magic, or am running from a mysterious stranger trying to steal a magical amulet from me, things like that. Having realistic dreams is actually kind of odd for me, though I've been having more of them lately.

It is kind of amazing how many people think the entirety of Africa is wilderness.
Cape Town sounds like a good place to go, for you. And hey, international travel is always a good thing. And being an artist is hard, so doing what you have to do to make a living is not a bad thing, as long as you keep doing your own thing on the side. One girl in my graduating class was super into monsters and mythical beasts and all that, but she still does portraits of people's dogs if that's what they'll pay for.
And it's totally true that hipsters would jump on something from Africa.

I used to want to be a pilot, briefly. It would be amazing - especially flying private jets around, to all these amazing places. Flying commercially could be cool too, of course, but more likely to be mundane.

Just don't forget to breathe - life is stressful, but you'll get through it.