Help with an excerpt

[Jade]

So, in the following excerpt (set at a five star restaurant) I want to show some characterization of Doctor Grant (he's chubby; loves food; always shows up unannounced at his friend's home around dinner/lunch time.) Also, I wanted to set the stage because two characters will be leaving the dining table to dance together so I wanted to mention that there was music playing ahead of time.

Anyway, I wanted to be kind of funny, but I'm not sure if this worked. The part in bold is suppose to be funny, but give me your thoughts and or suggestions on improving it. Pretty please.

Normally, Grant could finish everything on his plate in fifteen minutes--tops, but now he had to eat dreadfully slow in order to keep with the same pace as everyone else and only because his ‘Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette’ book told him to.

The food on his plate screamed, eat me, eat me! It was so delicious and he was so hungry. And to torture him all the more, a violinist played a slow, depressing waltz in the background.

He felt so taunted.

[Raphael]

I might make it a little longer. The food should have more detail. Maybe he is admiring its beauty so you could go into over-the-top descriptions about it (Possibly using an elivated tone). And maybe something about how everyone else must hate their food because they are dancing and not enjoying it more?

[sapphire]

I agree with Raphael - you can definitely make this longer. Instead of having Grant think about how slowly he's eating and wishing that he could eat faster, let us see it. Every torturous bite. Give us scents, flavors, let him drool a little. You know?
(The bit about the music is amusing.)

[Jade]

Over-the-top detail isn't always a good idea. The whole less is more. I go into more after this excerpt with other characters talking and every chance he gets he's shoveling in food. According to proper etiquette it's best to eat at the same pace as everyone else, but the rest are talking and not eating, which, again, I show later on. I just wanted to know if the music part hit your funny button.

[Zoom]

Less is more, but too little is nothing.

And the music bit tickled by funny bone.

[sapphire]

The thing with less-is-more is that you have to be really good to pull it off and keep your readers engaged. I find it's easiest to go into great detail, then cut what you don't need. And even with minimal detail, it's a good idea to try hitting as many senses as you can, to give your readers a really good impression of the scene.

But yes, the music line was good.